A Piece of Flat Candy

No, your eyes definitely do not deceive you.  This is actually a box of “Ant Candy” as manufactured by Hotlix Inc. of Grover Beach, California.  And, yes, apparently people do eat these things.

(Obviously, we did not.)

The ingredients include (and I quote):

• Malted syrup
• Black ants
• Natural and artificial flavor
• Yellow and Blue 1
• Red 40

Doesn’t that just sound scrumptious, amiright?

I purchased this as a souvenir nearly five years ago for a (then) 10-year-old Hailey while on a business trip to San Antonio, Texas.  I found it in one of the crappy tourist shops somewhere in the vicinity of the Alamo.

Needless to say, she wasn’t very excited.

At the time, I was in the habit of collecting different and exotic foods from the various places I was visiting, as a way of connecting Hailey with the different places I visited on my business strips.  Some of those selections you can read about HERE, but others … well, let’s just say we weren’t quite so excited to dive in (shocking!).  As a result, this bizarre confectionery treat is still sitting around on one of my shelves downstairs, completely untouched, eight years later.

Anyone know what the shelf life of Ant Candy is?

Something Sticky

Since the COVID-19 virus has more or less forced me into the garage on the weekends as my sole source of fresh air and activity, I have been learning a little something about tools, easy repairs and refurbishing, and general home maintenance shit; all of which, are skills that I am sorely lacking. But if I have learned anything about handy stuff this summer, it’s that Gorilla Glue might just be the most valuable substance on the planet.

It’s also sticky as all get out!

Obviously.

Ambergris, saffron and blood diamonds have nothing in value on this incredible industrial polyurethane formula when it comes to home repairs – it’s literally sticky gold. This shit makes duct tape look like, well … duct tape I guess.

(Somewhere Red Green just got a cold chill)

However, did you know?  The glue was actually first discovered being used in Indonesia on teak furniture, but consumers here in the West soon found it to be incredibly versatile and demand soared when it was realized that it could stick just about anything to anything. And when your even half the klutz that I am, this is a handy thing to know!

I have no idea what it is that makes up this super sticky compound exactly, but I’m pretty sure now after a little familiarity having successfully glued my finger to an eyelid that it utilizes pure witchcraft in some textural, physical manifestation of super sticky proportions.

Honestly, if this magical substance should ever suddenly become sparse, for whatever reason, especially in this new “stay at home” quarantine world, this is what future wars will be fought over.  In this future apocalyptic Mad Max world, you won’t be roaming the wasteland looking for gasoline or water, you’ll be seeking something to fix all your broken shit!  Fortunately, now that you have been tipped off to this incredible gummy elixir, you have ample time to stock up in preparation to ensure you have something to fix all your dystopian DIY projects.

You’re welcome.